Slow Dance with the Sheriff Page 17

  ‘She was very beautiful, then.’

  This time, accepting the compliment—believing it—wasn’t quite as hard as it once would have been. Maybe Jed had helped her grow accustomed to that, too. Or…just grow.

  ‘She’s quite a legend in our household. This mystery first wife we could never ask about.’

  Ellie grimaced. ‘She’s pretty ordinary in real life.’ Except that wasn’t true any more. Fenella had walked away from a man she loved, pregnant with his children, and built herself and them a whole new life. That took amazing courage. So did maintaining her stiff New York veneer when Ellie had blurted the fact of Clay’s passing to her. She wondered how she would have reacted if someone threw news of Jed’s death at her so carelessly.

  She owed her mother a really long conversation. And several apologies. Starting there.

  ‘I think I have a photo in my phone if you’d like to see it.’

  Jess answer was immediate. ‘Oh, I would.’

  ‘I’d love to see a picture of your father if you have one?’

  One beat. Two. ‘Our father, Ellie.’

  The niggling hurt of disloyalty to the man who’d raised her sharpened its teeth. Honesty compelled her. ‘That’s going to take a while to sink in.’

  Jess’s eyes darkened with compassion. ‘I’m sure.’

  ‘He never…’ She paused, wondering how heartbroken Jess still was about her father’s death twelve weeks ago. ‘He never told you about us?’

  Jess stared at her. ‘Ellie… He never knew. He never got the letter.’

  Everything whooshed around her feet. ‘Not at all?’

  Oh, her poor, poor mother. That was going to break her heart.

  The crunch of vehicle tires on gravel drew their eyes around behind them. Her gut squeezed harder than a fist as she turned.

  Speaking of broken hearts…

  ‘Sheriff!’ Brady called, and dashed over to the now-stationery SUV.

  Jed’s empty eyes hit Ellie’s almost immediately but that careful nothing had always been his particular talent. He slid them to Jess’s instead. ‘I wasn’t far away when I got Johnny’s call. Where is he?’

  Jess waved him in the direction of the tack room. Brady followed him.

  It wasn’t reasonable to be surprised—or disappointed—by his intense focus on the dog he felt so responsible for. But his barely cursory glance still hurt. She forced her attention back onto her half-sister.

  ‘Sheriff Jackson,’ Jess explained. ‘Deputy is his dog.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Oh, you already met him?’

  ‘I was staying in his barn conversion. He’s shown me around town a bit.’ Her heart squeezed. I fell in love with him.

  Jess looked bemused. ‘I’m surprised he didn’t say hello.’

  So it wasn’t just her who saw nothing but a passing glance in that moment. ‘Just anxious for Deputy, I’m sure.’

  ‘Are you okay, Ellie? You’ve gone quite pale.’

  She forced her lungs to inhale. ‘Yes. This has been quite a morning, that’s all.’

  ‘Sheriff Jackson doesn’t need our help, buddy.’

  Jess turned to the striking man emerging from the tack room with a protesting boy in his arms. He was easily more handsome than Jed, but Ellie felt nothing but aesthetic appreciation for his beautiful angles and stunning complexion. He was fire to Jed’s earth.

  And earth appealed to her so much more.

  ‘Ellie, this is my husband, Johnny Jameson. Hon, this is Eleanor Patterson.’

  The way she only put the tiniest of inflections on the surname told Ellie she’d been the topic of quite a few conversations.

  Light grey eyes widened and Johnny extended a hand. ‘Ms. Patterson, it’s a real pleasure to meet you.’

  She took it without hesitation. ‘Congratulations on your marriage.’

  The newlyweds looked at each other with such focus then; the passion and love between them stole Ellie’s breath and hurt her already bruised heart.

  That’s what she wanted. Someone to look at her like that.

  ‘Thank you,’ Johnny said, all courtesy.

  ‘How’s Deputy?’ she asked when what she really wanted to know was how Jed was. Did he hurt like she did? Did he feel anything at all? Or had he already exorcised all trace of her from his system.

  ‘He’s good now that the sheriff’s here. Apparently he’s been missing since last night.’

  ‘Last night? But he—’ She snapped her mouth shut. She could hardly admit that Deputy was right there when she was kissing Jed. Although then she had a flash of the dog cringing as they argued and of her bolting from the house and leaving the door wide open. Guilt swamped into the empty place inside her.

  ‘Oh. Poor boy.’

  ‘He’ll be okay. He’s had a rough run in life and he’s easily spooked these days.’

  He doesn’t deal with conflict well, Jed had once told her. Like two members of his pack tearing each other to emotional pieces.

  Behind them, all three men and one infinitely more relaxed dog emerged from the stables.

  ‘Is he okay?’ she asked Wes, specifically, determined not to give off any unhappy waves while Deputy was around. Jed’s eyes finally fell on her but he didn’t speak.

  Her chest ached.

  ‘Right as rain,’ Wes said. ‘Or he will be when he gets home. Cooper gave him a quick once-over with a brush for the mud on his fur. Sorry about your suitcases, Miss Patterson.’

  Jed’s head snapped up, then around to the still-open rear door of her car. Exhibits A and B were on plain view complete with muddy paw smears. Finally his brown eyes came back to her and this time he couldn’t hide what burned there.

  Betrayal.

  ‘You were leaving?’ Jess gasped. ‘Imagine if we’d missed each other!’

  You were leaving? Jed’s dark eyes accused.

  She faced Jess. ‘Lucky Gus told me you were back. I was on my way over here when I found Deputy.’

  Finally Jed found speech. ‘Why didn’t you let me know?’ he asked, low and deep. ‘That you’d found him.’

  Why are you leaving? It was all there right between what he was actually saying.

  ‘You’re welcome,’ Ellie said, pointedly, her eyes fixed on him. ‘The Double Bar C was closer. I thought Deputy might need some first aid.’

  They stared at each other, a crackle of pain reaching from her to him. Jess’s eyes flicked between them and then to her husband, wide with concern. For a heartbeat Ellie truly thought that maybe she’d dissolve into tears here in front of her new family and the Calhoun hands. And Jed. She willed her body not to.

  And some miracle—or maybe years of dominating it—meant it listened.

  Jess broke the silence. ‘Ellie, why don’t you stay for brunch, if this is the only chance we’ll have to talk? We can swap those photos. You, too, of course, Jed.’

  ‘Thank you, Jess, but I should get Deputy home. Get him settled back in. Maybe another time?’

  Would it be that easy? He’d just leave and that would be that? Ellie’s breath grew shallow.

  Not easy. Not at all.

  ‘Sure, Sheriff,’ Jess said. ‘I’m glad everything’s worked out okay.’

  If you didn’t count a broken heart and some hurtful truths.

  ‘Yep.’ He curled his fingers into Deputy’s coat as she had so many times. ‘Something like this sure makes you think about what’s important.’

  His eyes flicked to her again as he said that, but then he turned, gave them all a Texas wave and signaled for Deputy to follow him to his vehicle. Ellie watched him go, wondering if that long-legged lope and those square shoulders would be branded in her mind forever.

  She stared, unblinking, to make sure they would be.

  As they turned for the house, Wes Brogan muttered, ‘He’s a good man, that sheriff. Most people would have shot that dog.’

  Johnny grunted. ‘Jed’s not the sort of man to give up that easily when there’s a bit of hope.’
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  Those words anchored Ellie’s feet to the ground. Her whole body lurched to a stop and the air in her lungs made a word all of its own volition. Was she giving up too easily? Was there truly not even a sliver of hope for her and Jed?

  ‘Wait—’

  He was going to disappear from her life not knowing if she didn’t do something.

  Brown eyes and grey looked back at her. ‘Ellie?’ Jess said.

  Um… ‘I’m just going to need a couple of minutes. Can I meet you inside?’

  Jess’s head cocked in a great impression of Deputy, but her eyes flicked for a heartbeat over to where Jed walked away. ‘Sure, just let yourself in the front door and follow your nose through to the kitchen.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  She hadn’t sounded that breathless in years. Since she’d come rushing out of her first-ever dance class busting to show her parents what she’d learned. Wow, those sure were innocent days. Who might she have become if she’d taken up tennis instead of ballet?

  A burned-out tennis player instead of a burned-out dancer probably. She couldn’t go on blaming her childhood for everything. Those years were long behind her. What she did now was what counted.

  Right now.

  She pivoted on one foot and then sprinted off after Jed, refusing to call out to him. Hoping to preserve some modicum of dignity. He was loading Deputy into his vehicle when she caught up.

  ‘Jed,’ she puffed.

  He stiffened, but finished securing Deputy into his harness before turning. He nodded like he was passing her in the street. ‘Ms. Calhoun.’

  The words coming back at her the way she’d flung them at him were exactly the insult he intended.

  Her tension coiled so far up inside it threatened to strangle her. ‘Can I speak to you?’

  ‘You are.’

  Now that she had his full attention she didn’t know where to begin. ‘I talked to Gus today.’

  Not what he was expecting. One eyebrow lifted under the brim of his hat.

  ‘He knew my mother. How she came here, why she left. How hard that was for her.’

  Despite what had happened between them, Jed was still a decent man. If he felt any impatience at her bumbling beginning his country manners didn’t let it show. ‘You didn’t know?’

  ‘I knew that she left, not why. She couldn’t tell me.’

  He frowned. ‘Bad?’

  ‘She believed she couldn’t give Clay an heir. They ended their marriage over it. And she left feeling inadequate. He let her leave feeling about as inadequate as a woman possibly can.’

  Jed suddenly realised which way the wind was blowing and he straightened two inches. But his eyes didn’t go back to their careful neutrality. Maybe there were some things he couldn’t hide.

  ‘These past two weeks have been life-changing for me, Jed. You may never understand the difference knowing you has made for me.’

  ‘Ellie—’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to make a scene or put pressure on you. I just wanted to thank you.’

  ‘Thank me?’ He frowned. ‘Why?’

  She looked down at her strappy sandals, covered in Calhoun dirt. ‘Everything in my life started spinning wildly a month ago. My father is not my father. I’m not a Patterson. My Fifth Avenue mother was married to someone else and lived on a ranch. My sisters aren’t my full sisters…’ She wrapped her arms around her front. ‘I arrived here feeling…disconnected to everything and wondering where I belonged.’

  She took a breath. ‘And then I met you. And you were like…a rock. Predictable and sure.’

  Offense flirted on the edge of his silence.

  ‘But at the same time you were a surge I had to go with or get buffeted. Like the bats in the gully. Every moment with you challenged me and made me really look at myself. At the person I’ve let myself become.’

  His gaze dropped to his steel-capped boots.

  ‘I’ve developed so many strategies in life to keep from having to face the reality of who I’ve grown into, they’ve become excuses.’ Every word was harder to get out, every breath tight. ‘Dance was an excuse for not eating. But not eating was about controlling my body, controlling something in my environment where I felt otherwise invisible.’ She twisted the fingers of both hands together. ‘Studying or rehearsing all the time, that was an excuse, too. My distancing myself from relationships was about hiding my disorder from people who might notice it.’

  She took a shaky breath. ‘Not touching anyone was about disguising my internal deficiencies. Blaming it on something external was just an excuse.’

  His eyes closed briefly. ‘Ellie, you don’t have to do this—’

  ‘I do. I do, Jed, because I’m lucky. I won’t be leaving Larkville like my mother did, believing I’m inadequate. You showed me what I have inside me and I will always be grateful for that. Whether or not you wanted me, ultimately, I know you wanted me at least for a moment.’

  She took a breath and he pressed his lips together, almost as if to stop himself speaking.

  ‘But more importantly,’ she said, ‘I wanted you. I know now that I’m capable of that. So…that’s it really. Just…thank you.’

  He nodded, his eyes intense.

  She turned back for the house.

  ‘You were right when you said I told you about being a Calhoun to stop us getting physical,’ she said, spinning back around just as he pulled the door to his SUV open. Stalling, and they both knew it. Her eyes fixed on his. ‘But it wasn’t because I didn’t want you touching me.’ Her voice cracked. ‘I can’t imagine being touched by anyone else. I can’t imagine wanting to touch anyone else.’

  Jed’s lips pressed tighter together.

  ‘But I will. And if I don’t, well…so be it. But I want to explain because I don’t want to drive out of town leaving you feeling inadequate, either.’

  His laugh was so very cowboy and so very awkward it warmed her heart. He no longer had a prayer of hiding the pain in his gaze.

  She took a really deep breath. ‘I’ve never…’ How was she even having this conversation? ‘My whole adult life I thought I couldn’t…’

  She closed her eyes and remembered the bats. Remembered how that felt. Then she opened them and remembered how he felt. ‘I was petrified of how you were making me feel. Totally out of control. My body reacting in complete contravention of my will. I’ve never felt that before.’

  Jed the good man wasn’t far away. ‘That’s the best part, Ellie.’

  ‘Look at what I did to myself to maintain control growing up. You think I did that by choice? It’s not a conscious thing. It’s something I’m going to have to work on.’ She curled her nails into her palms to stop herself reaching out. ‘I get that we’re not going to happen. I’m still leaving today. I just want to leave with us both understanding what happened between us. How it went so very wrong. Because up until then I thought things were going pretty right.’

  The distant keening of cattle filled the silence.

  ‘You’re still leaving?’

  She turned back and stared at him, no energy or heart for more.

  ‘What about Jess? You came to get to know her.’

  She summoned some words. ‘I came to find out who I was. Mission accomplished.’ At least she knew, now, who she wanted to be. ‘I’ll stay in touch with Jess by email.’

  ‘And Sarah, the Fall Festival—you’re just going to dump her?’

  It sounded so much uglier when phrased like that. Defensiveness washed through her and tangled with the exhaustion. ‘I can help her from New York. Come back in October for the big event.’

  Maybe.

  He stepped closer. ‘Visit once a year? Is that what you want?’

  She took a sharp breath and met his eyes. ‘That’s what I can manage. You’ve helped set me on a new path but I’m not a masochist. I won’t find it easy coming back in the future.’ She swallowed. ‘Maybe finding you with someone else.’

  His eyes echoed her pain. ‘You think I�
�m going to do that?’

  Her breath caught, but she fought hard not to make assumptions about what that meant. She’d done more than enough of that since arriving. ‘According to Sarah you’re Larkville’s Most Wanted. I think you’ll have no choice.’

  ‘What if I don’t want to be wanted by one of them?’

  Her heart shrivelled. ‘You’ll figure it out,’ she said instead, the best she could offer. She turned to walk away again.

  ‘I’m not a good man, Ellie.’

  The raw pain in his voice brought her back. ‘Says who?’

  ‘Says me.’ He stared at her, and something indefinable shifted. Right at the back, in the space between blinks. ‘Not wanting to get involved with someone where I live was not just about avoiding relationships. It’s because I had a relationship with someone I worked with once and it didn’t end well.’

  Oh.

  Had she somehow imagined that he’d been as loveless as she all this time? Or had she just not let herself ask?

  ‘A woman in my unit. Maggie. We were together for five years.’

  Her heart twisted. Five years? That didn’t spell commitment issues. So maybe it truly was just her?

  He’d tried to tell her.

  ‘Why did you break up?’ She didn’t want to know, and yet she had to.

  ‘We didn’t break up,’ he gritted. ‘She died.’

  Shock and empathy responded to the pain bleeding off him. All this time she’d been battling a ghost that she didn’t know existed.

  ‘We’d been together in another division, careful to keep things on the down low. Most people didn’t know we were a couple. Maggie followed me over to the canine unit when I was promoted.’

  The idea of Jed—her Jed—loving someone else. Spending time with someone else… Five years. It felt impossible.

  ‘My superiors would have transferred one of us out of the unit if they’d twigged. So I worked hard to treat her like everyone else.’ His eyes flicked away. ‘Too hard.’

  Her silence was a question in itself.

  ‘She begged me to let her go out before she was ready. Not to make a big deal about it in front of the team. She wanted to be equal.’ He turned half away from Ellie. ‘Thing was if I’d truly been treating her equally I would have grounded her and let her deal with the fallout.’